What is a Sin?
by G . A . Picard
Summary: a life with derek fanfic but with different character names.
1. Chapter 1 to 5

**What is a Sin?**

When intimacy is forbidden and passion is a sin, love is the most defiant crime of all.

Chapter one:

Olivia White woke up in her stepbrother's arms. As she remembered why she was lying, naked, in her stepbrother's arms, a feeling of dread filled her up. She got up and went into the bathroom. A shower, she thought would help. As she turned the water on, she heard the bathroom door open to reveal her stepbrother. They looked at each other for a moment or two. For what felt like hours, she remembered the first day she met him. At her mother's wedding. He and his younger brother Chris were the children of her new stepfather, a lawyer in north jersey. She, her mother and her sister, Liz had lived right outside New York City. Her mother and Steve had met at a party and fell head over heels for each other. This didn't upset her in the least. She was happy her mother had found someone special but not so happy that his children were, well boys.

"Listen Liv" he started

"No, don't say anything, it was a one time thing, I understand." She said, choking back tears. She knew she loved him but after a year of his jokes she wasn't so sure.

"But…" he started again, but she cut him off once again.

"Listen, theirs nothing left to say. I want to forget this ever happened and shower before everyone wake up"

With a look of longing, he left to room.

"Shit" she though, "I had to fall for my stepbrother" after a long shower, she went downstairs for breakfast. She sat at her spot, he looked at her.

"Oh no" she thought. "Look away, look away," she prayed.

Although she was clean, she still felt dirty from night previous. She looked up grudgingly to find two sets of eyes on her.

"So Liv, what are your plan's for the weekend, Derek was a basketball game tonight and then tomorrow we have church." Said her stepfather.

This was one of the things she disliked about him. He was VERY catholic and she wasn't at the least. She had a hard time believing in god, meaning she had to stay after church and met with the priest about faith.

"I'm sleeping at Kim's tonight and I was going to sleep there" she said, " if that's alright?" she added.

"You know I don't like that girl Olivia, her mother never shows up for church." He said, then taking a bite of toast.

"Why does that matter? Just because…" she started but decided to cut her losses and change the subject. "So, mom how's the book club going?" she said looking up from her eggs to her mother.

"Fine dear, could be better but I'm not complaining." She said smiling.

"Well I think I'll go upstairs, I feel kind of sick" and with that, she left the table. Now on the stairs she got lost in thoughts. Derek, last night. No, it was wrong. But so right. No, Olivia stop it! Opening her door, she walked into her room. It was a nice room. Blue walls with a handsome desk set. Her bed in the far right corner and a book self one the other wall. It looked like a bedroom and a bookstore. When she was young, she uses to escape into books so naturally, when she moved all the books came too.

There was a knock at the door, should she answer it?

Of course. She walked over to the door and opened it to reveal Derek, the one person she couldn't bare to see.

"Listen, please. This morning I tried to explain but I couldn't find words"

"Naturally" she said, " I don't want to talk, I wanna forget, I have to. It was wrong, against god.

"What god?" he said, temper rising.

"We have school on Monday, we have plan's today, we haves lives Der. This can't happen." She shot out, choking back sobs.

"Yeah, um right." He mumbled. "See ya" he left to room.

She shut to door quietly and then ran at her bed, full speed and crashed into it. Crying into her pillow.

Chapter 2:

The weekend went by, a week, two weeks. Schoolwork became harder and if that wasn't bad enough, she was getting sick. It was November so everyone had colds. But she wasn't stupid, she knew. She was lying in bed. 5:45 the clock read. She had to get up at six to get ready for school. She had woken up throwing up at around five and couldn't fall back to sleep. She hopped she could just fall though her pillows and hide. She had to tell him, no he'd freak. You have to. After school. And with that, she got up to start her day.

"Kids, Get down here, you'll be late" she heard Steve yell up.

"Coming dad" she heard Chris yell back

"Mom" Liz called, "Mom, I need my ballet shoes to pack. Remember I have ballet after school?"

"They should be in the living room, where everything is" her mother called back.

She put clothes on and ran downstairs, laughing at this zoo she had to call a family.

Maryweather High was like any other. You have clicks, jocks, bullies, and preps. You also have normal kids. I am one of them.

"Hey!" her friend called as she got off the bus. Kim's face was glowing.

"What's with you?" she asked

"I got a boyfriend!" she blurted.

"That's great…. and how old are you? She said "12?"

"Ok very funny" she said Sarcastically. "Since Erin, it's been a while"

"Oh god, your 16, act like it!" she snapped. She felt like coming clean to her best friend. She had to tell someone. She has sinned. Or had she?

"Listen, Liv, what's up? You don't seen yourself"

"I'm fine" she lied. "Lets get to class."

After homeroom, first period came too fast.

She had Math. As the teacher was explaining Square Roots and how to use them in Equations she felt a plan in the bottom of her stomach. Her eyes had drifted to Derek, playing with his Pen. She had to tell him what she thought. She would surly burst. She felt it come up; she was going to scream, like word vomit. Wait, it was real vomit. She vomited. Every eye turned on her. She started up but felt light headed. She felt a hand on her shoulder. Her teacher was tried to lift her up. The minute she was on her feet. She ran out of the room.

As the bell rung she decided to leave the bathroom. She had washed up and changed her top. As she came out, everyone started laughing. She ran passed them but they were like a vast sea. She looked up and only one pair of eyes were on her and not laughing. She ran to the pricing blue eyes and felt arms rap around her.

"Yo lay off!" she heard Derek's voice yell. She looked up at him. His face was screwed up in anger.

"Or what Big D?" a boy from the crowed said.

"Or", he said looking straight into his eyes. "I will hit you so hard, you won't see it coming"

The boy looked back into his eyes, mumbled something and ran to his next class.

Looking back down at Olivia he said, "You okay?"

"No" she replied dropping her voice so any last minute stragglers could hear, " I think I'm pregnant" as she said this, looking into those blue eyes. The green met the blue. He stared at her. He tried to talk but nothing came out. He was shocked.

"Um we should get to class, that's the last thing I need." And with that, she went to class. The day went on, long and hard. Now she had told him, she would have to tell her mother. How could she not?

Chapter 3:

Later, on the bus, she saw Derek and his friends get one, they were all laughing, all except Derek. He tried to find her eyes, like a shipwrecked man looking for a lighthouse. But she didn't look back. This was her stop. She got up and got off, followed by Derek. She turned to look at him.

"We need to talk," he said

" I know, lets go inside, no ones home yet," she said.

They walked in to the house. It was a nice house, perfect for a small family. It would have been a charming house but there was a clear foot of rubbish on the floors.

They sat down on the couch.

"I'm not sure if I am or I'm not" she said to break the silence. "Sometimes girls get really sick before their period."

"Like this?" he asked.

"I looked it up, I have to see a doctor. We have to tell mom and Steve"

'"Are you mad? No! They'll kill us and the baby," he said. She knew he was right but how do you hide a baby?

"How do you hide a baby?" she asked, more to herself then him.

They sat in silence.

"I love you," he said.

She turned to him and before they knew it he was kissing her and she was kissing back. The world stopped. It was just them, no one else lived. It was blissful. And then they broke apart.

"Wa?" she said

"We'll tell him tonight, because I want to kiss you. I want to hold you and love you freely." He said.

"Big D can love?" she said laughing.

She laid back on him. He put his hand on her stomach.

"We don't even know if I'm pregnant," she said

"Well I think so, and that's my little kid in there" he said

"Your? Honey its ours." She corrected him.

They laughed.

After a white of just holding each other, everyone came home. It was around five and with that day they had both had they had fallen asleep.

"Wake up Liv, Derek" She heard her mother say

"Wa?" she and Derek both said.

"Go upstairs and get ready for dinner, you must be hungry" she said running into the dinning room and clearing the table.

"Hey, Liv, can you help me with my science homework?" Liz asked.

"Sure" they went upstairs.

"Liv" he called, "Tonight, after dinner"

After helping Liz with her homework she went downstairs for dinner. She didn't know what to do. She couldn't hide it but why say it was Derek's'? Say you got attacked walking home from **The Coffee Cup**. No, tell the truth, it'll come out sooner or later.

Dinner went by quickly, She and Derek did the dishes and sat down their parents.

"I'll start," I say.

"Go ahead sweetie" mom says, I barley here her. I look down and continue.

"On a Friday night about two weeks ago, Derek and I did something." This sounded lame, as she knew it would but her throat ran dry. Derek continued.

"We shared something that night, something special" he said.

"What are you saying?'" Steve said confusedly "Are you saying," he said catching and losing his temper, "You and your stepsister did something unholy and wrong in the eyes of god?" he said looking from one to the other, turning red. She looked in his eyes, they were praying that it wasn't so but when he looked at his son they turned red.

They nodded.

"My son?" he said getting up and pacing. "My son" and then he turned to his wife. "What have you taught your daughter?"

She looked up at him.

"Excuse me?" she said.

"Have you taught your children how to be whores?" he said calmly.

"WHAT?" she said, losing it right away. "AFTER ALL THEY'VE SEEN OF ME GETTING HURT? AFTER ALL OF THAT YOU THINK I TAUGH MY DAUGHTER TO ME A WHORE? NO!" she paused. "They need help." She said calming down. "They need to see a therapist and Olivia needs to see a doctor.

Steve looked at her, lost for words. "Your right, Your right, They do need help and she, he said, needs a doctor" he left to room without another word.

Olivia glanced at Derek, he couldn't move. Then without warning, he felt a hot pain in her left check.

"OUCH" she yelled turning to see her mother. " WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THAT FOR?"

"For your lust for your own stepbrother" she said looking at the both of them and then walking away.

Chapter 4:

The next few weeks went by fast. What with doctor's visits, whispers from behind her back, and fights everything just flew by. The first snow of the year came in early December; her doctor told her that until the sixth month, she could still go to school. It was torture. After the laughs came silence. A silence even more deadly then enduring the laughs. The worst part was she couldn't even look Derek in the eye. So she lay here, in her bed, on a Monday morning, hoping she could convince her parent's to let her stay home.

"Honey" someone called from the doorway. "Its mom honey, may I come in?" she her mother's voice.

I say nothing but she comes in anyway. "Don't make me go today mom". I say finally. "Send me away, to a slut school or something. I can't handle this."

"Your father..." she started

"That man is not my father, my father is with his other family and that man downstairs who calls me a whore and his son sick is no father of mine. Besides, when you call him my father you imply that it was wrong." I say clammily.

"My dear, you really think what you did with your stepbrother was okay?" she asks me, hoping I say yes, because if I do, in her mind everything will be okay.

"Two teenagers had sex. The end. Everyone has a soul mate, mine happened to end my being my stepbrother. Sorry to tell you." I say looking at the clock, 6:14. Maybe if I keep talking I'll be able to stay home. Lame but anything's possible.

She says nothing. "Your father, I mean Steve thinks it's a sin. We have never followed religion until now. Maybe if you started…" she started but was cut off yet again.

"The bible is pro life. You want to me kill a life. I won't. If there is a good, his on my side, to tare us apart would be a sin." She said gaining confidence. "I am not ashamed of this baby. I'm ashamed of how you and Steve are trying to cover it up."

There was a silence.

"Honey, I, we want to help you" she started. "Maybe if you talk to something about this you'll start thinking clearly."

I didn't want to fight but I didn't want to give her the wrong idea. I have always been a good actress.

"Your right mom" I lie. "As always" I smile, a small, fake, cold smile.

She smiles back, "You can stay home today, I'll talk to Steve about tomorrow." And she left the room.

I want to screen. I walk out of the room, to Derek's room. I have to see him. She walks across her room, through the door and down the hall. She approached his door and knocked lightly.

"Who's there?" he asked. "If it's you dad, I'm doing my homework like a good little boy, not a sexually active teenager"

"Ha" she said.

"Liv?" he said, opening the door and showing her in. "I've wanted to see you for a while, but dad thinks if we do so much as look at each other, will go to hell." He said, pulling up his desk chair and sitting on it. I take a seat on his bed.

"How have you been?" she asks.

"Worried about you" he replied. "You?" he asks

"Pregnant" I say simply.

"I heard dad say he wants to send you away when you start to show more. He doesn't want you around because he's going to try to straighten me out."

"What?" she says.

"Yeah, so when you come home, we can all move on." He said, pushing his chair closer to me.

"Only one more year" I say. "Until were free".

"What's going to happen? He started. "To the baby I mean" he added.

"They'll make me give it up but I won't unless forced."

They looked at each other. Their eyes met. The green got lost in the blue. After awhile Derek finally spoke.

"Lets go downstairs." He said.

"Together, will get killed" she said, looking confused.

"How much do the kids know?" he asked, ignoring her last comment.

"That I'm pregnant and a sinner but not the father" she says.

"Perfect, just great."

"Why are you so upset about them not knowing?" I ask.

"Nothing." he pushed himself closer yet again, rapping his arms around her.

"I'm pregnant Der." She said, pulling away

"So I can't hold you? Kiss you? Love you?" he asks moving so close they were head to head.

"You want to hold me and kiss when I'm like this?" she says.

"Mhm" he laid her down on his bed and lay next to her. Putting an arm around her, pulling her close.

"You're a strange, strange man Mr. Heart." I say to him, looking right in his amazing eyes.

"Not strange, just yours" he said, trying to bed romantic because he knew she was scared.

Chapter 5:

Olivia and Derek couldn't sneak any more visits over the next week. After two fights with her stepfather regarding staying home until the baby was born, he still wanted her to be humiliated. On the third fight, the result changed.

"Steve, why do you want to see me in pain?" Olivia asked her stepfather after dinner, the younger kids were upstairs.

"I don't, I want you to feel for what you have done" he started again as he had every night for the past two and a half weeks.

"Steve dear, we can send her to a special school for pregnant teens." Her mother suggested.

"I'd rather" I said.

"I don't want my child, or rather a child under my care to be at some slut school"

"Why not just cut my baby out of me and step on it?" I snap back.

"That's for the lord to decide!" he retorted.

There was a silence.

"Why haven't you told the kids the father of my child?" she asks. She knows it will start something but didn't care anymore. If there was a god, this was surely hell. He was hell.

"Because they, like everyone else, don't need to know." He replies, surprisingly clam.

"Is that for you to decide?"

"Yes. You are a minor, meaning your mother and I decide everything you say and do in this house.

"Then answer me this, why do you beat Derek?" I ask, trying not to cry. I wasn't sure why I got teary but I guess the though of my baby in pain hurt too much.

"Because he should have given in to your womanly, evil charm." He says, looking me straight in the eyes. I look right back into them. Its so dark in there, I don't understand why people trust him.

"I say nothing" I say, loud and clear, "I'm done talking and getting yelled at and told I have done wrong. I'M PREGNANT GODDAMNIT. Do you even care mom?" I turn to my mother. "I have mother to be ashamed of, and yet for a moment I started to believe what **he** was saying." "I'll be in my room, if anyone cares. And maybe I will just tell everyone about my babies father, or will I?" I left the door posing that question.

She went up to her room and went to her computer. When she logged on to facebook, she got a chat message.

Kim: Hey, Where were you today, nowhere have you been all week?

Olivia: You really think I want or can go to school like this.

Kim: Who's is it?

Olivia: I can't say, he'll kill me

Kim: The father?

Olivia: No, mine

Kim: I won't say anything, but please, tell me, how bad can it be?

Olivia: If you tell a soul I will kill you, pregnant or not.

Kim: Okay.

Olivia: Derek

Kim: Derek who? White? James? Smith?

Olivia: Derek Heart, my stepbrother.

Kim: … Did he attack you?

Olivia: No.

Kim: I don't want to know. Lets talk about something else.

Olivia: How much did I miss?

They continued talking about, school, life, boys, girl stuff in short. After she said she had to go, she went to Derek's facebook page. It said; Derek Heart is so confused. Baby, I love you. There were about 15 comments, all from girls, asking whom he loved. Being so popular must be hard, always having people all over you. It hit her then that she could never tell anyone at school who the baby's father was. After she logged off, she opened her Journal and added this to it:

Lust.

Lust between opposites,

So wrong, so right,

You're feeling,

You're touch,

I can't live without it.

I can't see without it.

It's so wrong,

Sinners are what we are.

Us,

You,

Me,

Lust.

Lord save us.

For we have sinned.

She read it over; it was short, but strong. When she got upset, she always wrote. This wasn't how she felt, she didn't think she had sinned, but somehow it fit. Words had always just came to her, why had those? And it came to her, what is a real sin?

What is a sin?

Is it not believing?

Is it not loving?

Is it the lust of a man and a woman?

A sin is not lust,

Lust is a gift,

A joy.

Why then is it called one?

Out of fear?

The people who say this are the sinners,

The good lord does not judge two people for loving each other,

The good lord welcomes it.

If people call this a sin,

If they see it as a sin,

Then they don't see at all.

She read this next piece over. She then opened her IM and sent it to Derek. He did not reply.

"Shit" she mumbled to herself.

"Its true" said a voice from behind her.

"Don't do that!" she said wheeling around. "And I know".

"Derek I need you down here" she heard her mother call.

And without warning, he was kissing her and she was kissing back. And it was blissful. She didn't know how long they were embracing but someone said "Oh god". The voice came from the doorway.

They broke apart. Chris and Liz were standing there, opened mouthed.

Olivia and Derek both started yelling, pleading, and praying that they'd keep their mouths shut.

"What's going on here?" Steve said from the stairs.

"Nothing" Liz said.

Steve looked around at them and then went downstairs.

"Both of you, in here, now" Derek said. They followed him into Olivia's room.

"What the fuck?" Chris said. "What happened to hating each other? Wait, are you the father of her kid?" he said, understanding and looking like he was going to vomit.

"Chris…" Derek started. "Don't tell anyone, nether of you. Please" Derek pleaded.

"Do mom and Steve know that you're the father?" Liz asked Derek.

"Yeah, that's why I've been beaten every night."

"We won't say anything" Chris and Liz said.

Chapter 6:


	2. Chapter 6 to 7

Chapter 6:

Life went on. Homework was done, dinner was made, stupid small talk was spoken, and secrets still hid, under the skins of the people to which they were kept. Chris and Liz didn't tell anyone about what they knew until one night at dinner, everything unfolded and the secrets and lies broke free of the skin to leave deep cuts on the holders arms.

Olivia walked down to dinner, she had gotten bigger, she knew it. She sat down, glancing at her love, but he did not look up, scared of the consequences. She though she should be the one being beaten, words can't cut you in the same way physical pain can.

"So, Liz how was your day?" Steve asked.

"Fine" she said looking at Olivia. Every time she looked at one of them, she got all quiet like.

"And you Chris?" he asked, changing subject.

"Fine. I tried out for hockey and made it," he said, as if he was upset about it more then happy.

"I can give you some pointers Chris" Derek said. Everyone looked at him.

"Now Derek, we wouldn't want you to hurt yourself?" he said looking at him. Their eyes met. His gaze had pain written all over. His eyes darted away to look at his food as he took another bite of his meatloaf.

"So, How's the baby Sis?" Liz asked. He had this look in her like she knew what she was doing.

Steve choked and her mother looked as if she was holding something back, but held it in.

"We don't talk about bastards during dinner darling" Steve said coldly.

"Then when do we talk about it?" he asks, "During lunch?"

Olivia laughing harshly, but then realizing she'd be beaten for just saying that.

"Liz…" she started but was cut off.

"No Liv, I have a question for daddy dearest" she said, her voice cold. "How long did you think it would take to realize his, pointing at Derek, is the father of Olivia's kid?"

Derek looked alarmed and Steve looked deadly.

"Liz, stop" I say but I don't hear. I hear what I see. I read everybody's eyes and souls.

I look at every person sitting at this table. I remember every dinner since the pregnancy and before. Always the same. I knew Steve was no good, but I let my mother fall into his depths of religious prosper.

Chapter 7:

She didn't do drugs, and no, he wasn't her drug. Dance was her addictive drug. When she moved, she flue. This was one of the things she missed most. She felt like a swan whose wings were cut off, or the woman in the Scarlet Letter. The woman had to make a life for her and her child while wearing the sign of a sinner. She was no sinner so why should she wear a scarlet letter?

She remembered the first time she danced. She was fourteen, young, flat and good. She was going out for the community musical. She rocked it. She didn't hear the music, but the steps. Run to the left, right leg up, smile, jump, right kick, higher! Jump, stomp, stomp right kick. Spin, spin kick. And finish!

As she looked back on this, she remembered reality. She, Olivia White was having a baby at sixteen yours old. And the father of her child was her stepbrother! This was wrong, she thought, but not a sin. Maybe, when the baby's born, they could run away. He could work until they had enough money for a baby sitter. Then she could work too.

Should was writing all this down during English. It was the last period of the day, thank god. They had to write a short story or poem and they only had five minutes left. She wrote this down:

Auditions:

I sit there, waiting. The endless, thick, scares waiting.

My number is called, 223. Shit.

I get up and walk to center stage.

"Go" the voice, says.

I listen. I start my combination, running to the left and jumping. Step, step right kick, right step, pivot step. Left run, right flex. Right leg up. Smile! Right kick. Turn right. Repeat combination. When I dance I fly. The thrill and the pain is what I crave. I finish. Then the waiting comes back.

"Girl, Stage right" he says, "Great work. Everyone I want you to look at this girl, she will become great, learn from her."

I smile to myself, I've done good.

"Class, hand in your assignment" her teacher said.

"Crap" she thought, "only have a page, well she can't yell, I'm pregnant"

"Here" I say while passing her giving my paper.

"Listen" she started. I turned around. "It must be hard, but if you need to talk to someone I'm here."

"Thanks, no one has been that nice about it," I say truthfully.

"Even your parents?" she asks me. What do I say? Yes. No.

"Well yeah but I mean friend wise." I say, "I have to go, the last thing I need is to be up all night doing homework." Olivia White walked out. "Happy God?" she says to herself, " I didn't rat out my step-dad, happy now?"

She came home that afternoon crying. A boy had made fun of her and it got to her. She opened the door to find her mother home early from work.

"Hi" she said.

She doesn't speak. She runs upstairs not being able to control herself. She got up to the hall when she felt sick. She throw herself into the nearest bathroom and vomited.

After word, she went into her room. Get went over to her bed, grabbed a book and read. After about ten minutes, she heard a knock at the door. Grudgingly she got up and answered it.

"I'm on your side." Her mother said. "You're my child, I would never turn on you. Do you get that?"

"You have turned on me. For weeks now, I've had to listen to **him** call me a sinner, a slut, and a whore. None of which I am. You say you're sorry? What if I don't want to forgive you? I say, temper rising. "I'm having a baby and don't even know what you and him are going to do with him or her. What were you planning? Killing it or selling it?"

"Honey, please, I will ask Steve to lay off you, okay?"

I could rebel, but I know better now. I go over to her and hug her. She starts crying, oh my poor mother.

Chapter 8:


End file.
